Misunderstanding, Explination, Retrebution?
by r-huseby
Summary: A Herald though dead long ago, his diary found with the confessions of his gift, life, and need to express his sorrow for what he did
1. Start or End?

I Herald Chronicler Yheusb here by record this story as is it written in the diary of Herald Turbre one thought dead long ago. Brought to me upon the discovery of his tower and the place of his true death.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------  
  
A LEGEND IS JUST A TALE OR STORY THAT SOMEONE REMEMBERS ABOUT A PERSON AND TELLS IT TO OTHERS, WHO IN TURN REMEMBER IT AND TELL IT TO OTHERS WHO CONTINUE ON WITH THE CYCLE, REMEMBER AND PASS ON.  
  
For every action there is always two possible outcomes, one good and one bad. It all depends on what opinions of the action and the views that one looks at the outcome from.  
  
For those of you reading this most of you don't know me. For the few who still have a long lost memory of me in their heads, they think of me long dead. Because to them that is what I am, that is how I staged the game of my life and how I willingly made it to be.  
  
For those few who wish to know why I made this decision, you must first know who or what I was.  
  
I was a herald once (For those who wish to know I was given the name Turbre at my birth) with the gift of for-sight.. A gift so strong I knew since the beginning of becoming aware of my existence. "The earliest age when you become aware and remember time, face, places and events of life." .From my first awareness, I had the visions and knowledge of my life and all the possible out comes of it.  
  
For what I am about to describe some might consider me a monster, some perhaps a saviour, and for a few who have faced problems similar to mine a mere mortal man. 


	2. Explanation Starts

Disclaimer: I don't own the heralds or anything they all belong to Mercedes Lackey .. This is my first attempt at a story so please bear with me.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------  
  
With my gift I have saved the lives of many men, women and children, but I have also let many die. I have much grief, pain and many regrets for those I let die.  
  
The first time I can remember having to make the hard decision of life or death. was when I was the young age of eight years old. It was the mother of a friend from the local village. She was raped and murdered by bandits. What I saw in my "daydream" as every one who knew about the visions referred them to.  
  
I could move the mother to safety at the cost of a lie and let the bandits destroy the place. But to have her die horribly and painfully less then a year later from a terrible disease. Or I could let her die and then. my friend at the age of 13 would take up a cause and go out into the world. He could and would save many lives and become a herald himself and a legend to those who knew him. But it would only happen if his mother was raped and murdered.  
  
I had made my first decision but it was not the last to come as I had hoped for at that young age of eight, many more came and all with the different outcomes.  
  
The decision I regret the most and can never forgive myself for, and I see no reason for any to understand or to forgive was when I was 14. I let a whole village of people die in a horrible fire caused by raiders. Families, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, cousins. never a moment peace. PEACE something I never deserved not even the final peace that comes with death...  
  
I have asked myself and one must ask "Is it right for one to take the life of a person (needless of age or sex) to help benefit others? What is the value and worth of one life as to many?" After many years of pain and guilt I cannot begin to answer that nor do I have any right to answer it.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- Next chapter should be up in the next day or so 


	3. The White Horse

Disclaimer I don't own the heralds or anything else. I don't own much but I what I do is mine..  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------  
  
Most of you probably are angered with me and feel I played god.  
  
I tried to make up for my sins by taking my life. but a white horse (as I thought at the time) brought a person my age to the rescue of me.. Or so they thought.  
  
She was named Lissa, Liz for short and she was a herald trainee out for midsummer break. She was travelling to visit a relative, I never knew what relative she visited.  
  
She took me to her relatives and had what they called a healer fix me up. She spent many days and night trying to get me to talk and open up. I final talked but not about my past or me but about the weather or the land. (I could help but feel safe and able to sleep with not nightmares with her around) One day a companion (so her horse was called) came to the estate and they say that it chose me, for what I didn't know, and why. well no one knows why.  
  
After finding out what it meant to be chosen, I felt that I shouldn't have been chosen. no I should have died for "all the lives that I had taken" (I did nothing and let them die, it was the same to me as if I started the fire myself or pierced their hearts with the sword myself)  
  
From that day on I chose to do what ever it took to help people no matter what the cost to me. Many would think or hope that I became a herald and spent my life helping others and lived the rest of my life in fulfillment. I didn't.  
  
I went to their "Collegium", where I later found out that Liz was the heir to the throne.  
  
Because of my gift and my past I secluded myself as best as I could from everyone.. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn't push Liz away. She always got in side of my guard and shields.I feel I let down my guard and shields with her on her relatives estate and she knew how to get in and stay put when she wanted to.  
  
What can I say most have probably guessed it . I fell in love with her. but never told her. For one day my gift brought to me a decision I had to make that she would never forgive me for if she ever found out. A decision that cost the lives of her father and sister. all I say is that it was an ambush while the two where out on a trip and spent the night camping in a clearing in a forest.  
  
I spent many nights after in my room filled so full of grief and pain that I felt nothing else and knew nothing but of my regret and how none would ever understand and I came to another one of my most difficult decisions in my life. I would distance myself from the princess at all cost. I had no right to call her by her name or to even ever call her a friend.  
  
Herald after herald I watched go out and knew that that person would never return. and for each one that went out I would distance myself more and more. those who knew them would never understand and would never forgive me.  
  
Years after I gained my whites (I never in my whole existence felt that I earned them), Liz admitted to having very strong feelings for me, even after all the isolating, pushing away and mean things I did she still stayed. I felt the same but I never let her know and I never said anything to her about it. about my feelings, my gift or anything.  
  
I knew (no thanks to my gift) that she would be needed by the people of her land to make an alliance marriage to prevent war and bring Valdemar and the Nation of Remill together in peace. If I told her anything or confessed anything she would never go through with the alliance marriage, and a great war would have raged the land, like none ever known before and everything in the land left in ruin.  
  
With such pain I have never known before, pain that I would never wish upon even the greatest of enemies. I was able to hide my feelings . to save the princess so she would never know how I felt, I accepted the pain, misery, and bleakness of solitude into my self. As for me I got what I feel I deserved and was justice. I spent the rest of my life with the pain of knowledge of what I had done and losing the one that I loved more then life. At first the pain was so great it felt like my whole soul was filled of fire and was on fire. I don't know the time that pasted before I was even able to start to over come the pain to continue on with my pitiful existence. The princess made the alliance marriage and produce triplets, three heirs for the throne.  
  
They say I grew cold and unfeeling to the outside world, including the princess. I spent every moment I could out serving duties in the field hoping for something to end all the pain, suffering and torment... but nothing ever did.  
  
Next chapter will be up soon. I hope to make it a long one, it will not be up until after the week end because I am going out of province to visit my mom 


	4. The End of the Story or The Beginning of...

I have spent the rest of my life trying to make up for my earlier life and even try to make amends within myself.. Nothing has been harder for me in my life. for I know deep down I will never be able to atone for what I did.  
  
I hope no one will ever be faced with a gift as powerful as mine, or the hardships I have experienced. I blame nothing on any one but myself. I have learnt now that with great powers comes great responsibilities, even though I came to this realization to late in my life I hope others will learn and understand this with out the hardships.  
  
Some one I once knew who was though of as a legend once made the quote of. If we are such great legends and people want to be involved with use, then why are we so alone.  
  
There are many things that people might feel that I did wrong or things that I should have done that I didn't do.  
  
There is so much I wish I could write or do but I can't not now or ever, for even now I feel that my life is coming closer to it's end.. Before I would have welcomed it but now I have so much I wish to pass on and tell others of that I won' t be able to now. I find it funny how when I was young and had my gift I wish for peace and even death but now in my final hours of living it doesn't concern me what does concern me is finishing these journal entries in hope that some one will find them so others can learn from my mistakes.  
  
Here I end my story but I end with these few sayings that I have heard and thought of greatly in my years of enclosure and solitude.  
  
The people who usually are remembered and though of as legends are those who don't think or try for it. Those who search it out.. often find not it. but disappointment  
  
In the end I accept what people claimed, that I played god with my gift, and no matter how much I or someone else says it was all in the end for the greater good, I still in the end took many lives. Because of my actions many are dead not by my hand but easily enough as if it was by my own hand.  
  
I have done my best to try and make it up to those still alive and left by the ones who died.  
  
I have lived my live how ultimately I chose to, I stand by how I lived now and I am prepared to pay for my actions after death.  
  
But this message I hope to pass onto future generations.  
  
Live you life as you see fit, go to the grave with no regrets for in the end we stand and receive judgement on ourselves for what we have done and not what we didn't do or who didn't agree with it. In the end we are judged on ones self and not others.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------  
  
And so be the end of the journal entries and then end of what I believe to be one of the tragic stories that the life of heralds can live and unfortunately do experience.  
  
I write this story into the history book for those to come to read and learn. In this year of 1634 AF  
  
Herald Chronicler  
Yheusb 


End file.
